Personal

I love the ocean. Love, love, love it. My ideal location for a home would be on the beach. Although I technically live on an island, oceanfront-living is er… somewhat out of the question in NYC. So, I love our little beach vacations.

But one of the things I’ve never really understood was lying on the beach, under an umbrella¹. Isn’t it boring? Don’t you get hot? Wouldn’t it be more comfortable to lie on the balcony of your room perhaps? Don’t you feel totally decadent lying there – getting up only to apply more sunblock, or langorously pick up a drink or pop a snack into your mouth?

With all these questions flashing through my brain, I decided that before I judged what was heretofore a purely foreign concept, I should try it. So I packed up my bag with my book, sunblock, camera, wallet, iPod and sunglasses. I donned the requisite bathing suit and definitely requisite wrap, stylish hat and comfy flipflops and sashayed (I hope I sashayed!) over to the beach.

The perfect white umbrella was setup and I ordered the mandatory drink with mandatory umbrella and I settled down. Hmm… this was not so bad. The view was spectacular – wow! (for actual view see picture below) And the people-watching was quite fun too. Oh, couple frolicking at 11 o’clock. Father with cutie baby splashing about at 2 o’clock. Kayakers milling about at 1:30 o’clock (wait – I can’t say that, can I?)

Drink arrives. Enough looking around like an inexperienced newbie! I have to look the part – quick peek around at everyone else. Yes, they are all ensconced in their books. I too must do the same. Sip the drink, take out book. Sip the drink, read book (loop endlessesly). This was quite a lot of fun. The coconut tree branches make the most wonderfully soothing rustling noise in the wind. There are moments where there is no breeze and I start to feel a touch hot, but right on queue, the wind kicks up again. Perfect for a little nap.

The hours pass quickly. A late afternoon snack is consumed while continuing to recline. Little surprises are delivered just when you want them – a cold towel to wrap around a hot neck, a piece of melon to munch on. Equilibrium is maintained All is well with the world. And right around 5:30, the wind picks up, the warmth of the sun diminishes and I get ready to go back to my room having accomplished my mission.

All it took was one afternoon to make me a convert for life. I totally get what this is about. It is about nothing. Absolutely nothing. Deliciously spending an afternoon doing nothing. No stress, no to-dos, no walking, no talking, no heavyduty thinking. The only sounds you hear are the waves and the leaves. The only sights you see are the open water, the trees and out in the water, people being happy. What could be as relaxing? A massage, probably, but this is right up there with a great massage. And it lasts a lot longer and costs a whole lot less. What a novel concept.

I loved it. I am sold. I want to part of this club. I promise I will do my best to graduate to a full day the next time around. Ooh, just the thought of that sounds delicious! I can’t wait…

1. As an aside, if you actually spend all vacation lying under an umbrella, you may wonder why I go on beach-oriented vacations if I don’t lie on the beach. Well, the thing is that looking at the beach is wonderful too. And so is just being in warm, wonderful weather, eating yummy food, etc. etc. ↩

One of my favorite charities (and one that I’ve blogged about before) is Magic Bus. They do truly outstanding work that makes a huge difference to the kids they work with.

So, I am very exicted to announce that DesiPundit, where I am a contributor, has decided to auction off the prizes it won at the Indibloggies this year, with all the proceeds going to Magic Bus! Please help spread the word and if possible at least bid on one or more of the items. The prizes provided by Indibloggies sponsors are:

• A copy of Reader 06 worth Rs 350 from Sarai – CSDS (Centre for the Study of Developing Societies), Delhi.
• A copy each of “Best of Tehelka 2″ worth Rs 350 and “Vox: Critical Conversations” worth Rs 250, both published by Buffalo Books, from Tehelka.
• One Gym Kit worth Rs 1500 from Black Panther.
• Gift voucher worth Rs 3000 for any art or craft item by Creativegarh Art and Craft Gallery, New Delhi.
• Amazon gift certificate worth $25 from online magazine Tamiloviam.
• Amazon gift certificate worth $50 from Digital Bhoomi.

Head over to DesiPunditand make your bid by leaving a comment (at a minimum, for the value of the item you are bidding on). The auction ends Thursday, April 5th 2007 at 11:59pm CST.

Happy bidding!

Anyone who’s ever considered fertility treatment, adoption or alternative ways to have children has had to deal with the business side of a very personal decision.

In terms of fertility, many in my generation of peers seem to have prioritized their careers while in their twenties. For those reasons and because we all believe that medical technology is pushing out the biological envelope (despite our mothers, aunts, and anyone who could speak telling us that was not true), most of my girlfriends are having/will have/had their children while in the thirties.

There are, of course, the lucky ones, who think about getting pregnant and the next second, they are miraculously expecting. I think this is fabulous and am truly happy for them (you know who you are! 🙂 )

But the norm seems different. Most of the women I know (both in India and here in the US), have had some experience with the fertility process. Usually the Ob/Gyn gets you going but as soon as you go to a fertility specialist, it is a factory of sorts. Get tested to make sure both partners are fine, start with IUI, if it doesn’t work go to IVF. I mean factory in a good way since there are clear processes and everyone knows what to do and what’s next. But you very quickly realize that it is a business. In case you don’t realize it when you walk in, you will as soon as your insurance stops covering you (most insurance doesn’t cover IVF) and you realize that each cycle involves a significant monetary cost.

In addition, there is an “alternative” channel and I think it is great that it exists. Not just for gay and lesbian couples but also for couples who want to have the children be biologically related to at least one parent. Very close friends have happy, healthy kids this way, and here again, there is a process, albeit a slightly different one — find an egg donor and/or sperm donor, pay for fertilization and storage, find a carrier/surrogate and impregnate said carrier. Couples are paying for every step in the process, the most expensive being the carrier since the time involvement is the longest.

And then there is adoption, which has it’s own complications. Instead of paying for pieces of biological “content”, you are paying for a child. It is easier to say that a parent and child are “matched”, but the costs of travel, paying all the agencies and the fees all add up. Whether it is blatant or not, there is payment involved.

Into this fascinating world comes Debora Spar. From an article in Harvard Business School’s Working Knowledge:

“We have a business that doesn’t feel like a business,” said Spar. “Nobody wants to acknowledge the extent of commercialization.” Yet Americans alone spent $2.7 billion on fertility treatments in 2002. Procedures such as egg and sperm donation, in vitro fertilization (IVF), surrogacy, and adoption demand payments of $10,000 and up.

Despite the classic components of supply, demand, advertising, and differentiation, this market does not function normally, said Spar:

• Prices are excessive. “We have a product that 90 percent of the population gets for free. The other ten or fifteen percent have to pay anywhere from $25,000 to $60,000 and up. You don’t see that kind of inequity often.”
• Inconsistent standards of payment. Only ten U.S. states have some sort of mandate regarding insurance coverage for fertility treatments. In some cases, desperate couples are relocating for the sole purpose of obtaining coverage.
• Ambiguous legislation regarding ownership of children. “Court decisions have been all over the map,” said Spar.
• Absence of property rights. “Do you own a child—even your child? Do you own your body?” asked Spar. “The law says yes and no.” Until there is more clarity, the market cannot thrive.

I think Spar raises some really important points about the disfunctional “market” that need to be addressed. There is too little structure right now – who you work for and where you live has a huge impact on how much conceiving/procuring your child is going to cost. Most insurance in NY, for example, is not required to cover IVF. What is a middle-class couple (let alone a poor couple) who is infertile supposed to do? We certainly don’t punish poorer people with diseases this way – why is infertility a special case?

In cases where the sperm or eggs are “bought”, there are several legal issues that Spar highlights. In some countries in Europe for example, paying for an egg is illegal – what rights does that mean to parents of such children? Lawyers in such cases get reams of documentation and signatures in the hopes of protecting their clients, but it is an evolving space.

And finally, Spar raises an extremely interesting point – does the cost parents bear entitle them to choices like gender and other genetic characteristics?

Spar suggests four lenses within which to frame this debate:

First is simply information. We should think about the kind of information that is most important to us (health data, for example, or cost data or comparative studies of clinical success rates or adoption placements) and then provide these data through public sources. Right now, it’s simply too hard for would-be parents to get accurate and reliable information.

The second is cost. Because no one likes to think of children as existing in a market, we have been very wary of discussing cost. But it costs money to acquire a child through non-traditional means. So we need to be very upfront in discussing what these costs are, and which pieces of them should be borne by society, rather than by the parents themselves.

A third framework would relate to equity. As a society, we need to think about what fairness means in this realm. Is the ability to reproduce a basic human right? Is it part of medical care? And does it extend to all people, regardless of their age, sexual preference, and health condition? Once we get even a rough consensus around this issue (even if that consensus is forged at a state, rather than a national level) we can begin to craft policies that make sense.

Finally, tough as it may be, I think that we also need to think about appropriate limits to parental choice. Where should we draw the line on what kinds of children people can create, and what kinds of technology they can employ? We’ve already said no to reproductive cloning. There may well be other prohibitions that we also want to consider.

I think that’s a great start. Ever single issue she raises is worthy of hours of discussion and we need to have discussions like this in the policy realm. It will clarify and hopefully ease this process for thousands of couples dealing with a very emotional issue.

And I have added Spar’s book to my reading list – can’t wait for it to get here.

I should have been flying out to California today. The plan was to spend the weekend with friends and then head to TED on Tuesday. Very sadly I had to cancel going to TED this year.

TED (Technology, Entertainment, and Design) is a conference that is described by attendees as “brain candy”. And it is. I remember my first TED. James Watson kicked it off. Almost every speaker is enthralling. Imagine four days hearing from amazing people – physicists, environmental scientists, chemists, writers, molecular biologists, environmental scientists, space explorers, land explorers, under-water explorers, filmmakers, architects, designers, Nobel laureates, video game designers, presidents, presidential candidates, heads of NGOs, researchers in every field, Oscar-winning producers, health policy leaders, sports stars, inspirational speakers, religious evangelists (and their detractors), adventurers…

The conversations are fabulous, the people are great. I will truly miss it. Next week when tons of friends will get together in Monterey, I will be in NY! Oh, then, there are the 3-minute talks, musical performances,… ok, I gotta stop! Or I will send myself into further depression. It is the right decision and there’s always next year…

Four days of mind blowing information, fabulous people, lots of friends – I always left refreshed, believing there is hope for the world. Have a great TED 2007, folks.

_{Photo from: TED website, which owns and retains all copyright.}

I was out and about one day when I got a call on my cell phone. Unrecognized number, but I pick up. “Hello? Ms. Mahesh? This is Wilson… your mailman…”

Apparently my passport had arrived in the mail, but he couldn’t leave it for me (I have to sign for it), and he was wondering if I needed it urgently. Yes, I did, so I headed home and took it from him.

That’s what I call great customer service. I have no idea how he got my cell phone, but he’s used it ever since, any time there is anything important. He’ll call me and say that there’s a large package – should he put it in the elevator instead of leaving it under the mailboxes?

Wilson is now in my phone’s address book. With such enterprising mailmen, the USPS is in safe hands!

I was talking to a film-buddy last night. He was commiserating with me on a tough day I had professionally. The conversation meandered. He talked about friends and being there for each other.

Then he talked about his second year at film school. As a gay man, he got tested for HIV and found out that he was positive. He had a very good friend female friend and she was the only one he could talk to. His dad had just been laid off and he didn’t want to tell his parents yet and add pressure to them. He fell very ill. His friend sent him an email stating that she couldn’t handle it; that she could be his “fun” friend when times are good and could hang out with him and go to dinner with him, but couldn’t handle this.

He’s a great, positive person, and a wonderful friend. And I appreciate his being there for me.

Conversations like these put life in perspective.

There are quite a few eBayers who are blogging. Some still work there, some are happily enjoying retirement and some others still (ahem) are figuring out new avatars.

eBay was a phenomenal experience for all of us who were there. It would be great to stay connected with other bloggers from eBay.

So I put together a quick “eBay Blogs” wiki. If you are a current or former eBayer (eBay, PayPal or Skype) from any of our the global offices, please feel free to add your name to the list.

Would be great to see you all there!

Two very dear, wonderful former colleagues recently started blogging.

Michael is one the smartest folks around. And he’s funny and eclectic and I love to hear his thoughts. Now I can. This post on the big consumer tech trends he foresees is a must read. It is a touch weighted towards ecommerce, but that’s the world we know! But it’s not just tech – there tons of thoughts on reality TV, the state of the world and of course, the bizarre.

Michael had a great trip blog when he went off to Italy in 2005 and he’s imported those posts, but he’s basically been blogging under the radar for a few months. I don’t know whether to be mad that he didn’t tell me or just be thankful he’s started blogging… Okay, I’ll opt for the latter! 🙂

Lynn, besides also being one of the smartest folks around, is definitely the most driven person on the planet. After years of consuming Cheetos and Coke and working twenty hours a day, she’s decided to run a triathlon! Her training update posts are the most hilarious things you’ll ever read. Here’s a sample:

Kevin and I have an exercise bike in our house, so 2 to 3 times a week I try to do what is called spinning for an hour. It is where the resistance is fairly light, but you try and keep the RPM�s in the high 90�s and low 100�s. Well I have my first funny story. The first time I did this I of course wanted to excel. So I�m peddling extremely hard getting my entire body into the exercise. When I got done, both my left foot and back were hurting. Well it turned out that my back was bleeding from what would amount to a �rug burn�. I had been moving my back so vigorously back and forth across the back of the bike that I scrapped off the skin. Then on my foot, I hadn�t worn socks or shoes and the black plastic strap, dug into my skin and split the top of my foot. Since then I wear shoes and socks J

Welcome Lynn and MD – life is more fun with both of you blogging!

Another benefit of changing tracks, working from home and being all creative?

— Not having to actually leave the house in the freezing cold if you don’t want to! Yay!

New York has been insanely cold and it is worse since I just spent a few weeks in glorious Madras. 12 degrees is just too much for someone who grew up dealing with a low of 70 degrees!

Note: I changed the title of the post from “Benefits of being unemployed” since I found that people were actually landing on that post by searching for unemployment benefits on Google. Don’t want to mislead the poor folks.

Being a professional woman is all about making choices. Really hard choices. Choices that are gut wrenching. When I was in b-school, there were tons of talks about being a woman in the corporate world – the choices, the tradeoffs, the support systems. I didn’t go to any of them. Not one. I was a member of the Women’s Student Association, but that was for the great exam prepnotes they provided! (which was also the reason many men were members of the WSA).

I didn’t go to any of them because in my youthful naivety, I was convinced that men and women are treated equally and all you had to do is perform to be rewarded. Forget all the special treatment for women – I don’t need it. I don’t want it. I want to be measured by the same yardstick as my male counterparts. Period.

My early career validating that thought process. After a year in the wilderness of consulting, I settled into the technology world in California. I loved it. I was measured by my output. I was motivated to work for hours on end. Sixty hour weeks? Pah, that’s nothing. It was all consuming – constant adrenaline, constant craziness, meetings, product reviews, launches. I didn’t go to a doctor for years. I didn’t go to a dentist until it was a crisis. There was just no time. Ninety hour weeks? Bring it on.

And honestly, I loved it. And I patted myself on the back for not wasting time in school attending speeches where people would have taught me about the tough choices women make.

And then, it slowly started to change. The big 3-0 was looming large. The pressure to get married appeared. Got married. To someone who lived 3000 miles away in NYC. Now what? The WSA and all the speakers I spurned laughed in my face, that’s what.

My buddy, Tough Choices, appeared and would not leave. Commuting 3000 miles was no fun. Turning down opportunities in California was seriously no fun. Bringing that angst into the relationship was absolutely no fun. After several years of moving between coasts, of tear filled ruminations on priorities, of turning down offers to relocate globally, of fearing being branded as not being that interested in work, I was more than ready to admit that yes, women do have it harder.

I am not saying that they have it harder at work itself. I don’t think they are judged any more or less harshly than men. It is the added responsibilities outside work that make it hard. Being a good wife, of making sure there’s food in the fridge (when I was single, I could just eat cereal if I wanted!), investing in a relationship, living on the same coast to ensure that you have a shot at a family one day. Usually, the woman picks up those things in a relationship.

It was very hard. AND it was very hard with a supremely supportive husband (who never suggested I quit and adjusted around my crazy schedule) and a fabulously supportive company that allowed me to work from NY for large chunks of time. A company where bosses flexed for me and the CEO shared the tough choices she had to make.

After three years of wearing myself ragged, I finally sat down and prioritized what was important in my life. When trying to make a decision, I take it to the extreme – so there is only black and white, no gray. I had two options… What if I was CEO of a large successful company (assuming I could get there), but had no family and no kids. Would that be okay? Absolutely not. What if I could never, ever be the CEO of a large successful company, but I had a family and kids. Well… yes, that would be fine. Not ideal but fine. And definitely better than option one. I had my answer on what I valued more, if I absolutely had to choose.

To me, Indra Nooyi and Meg Whitman are women who actually have it all. But the reality is that they didn’t have it all at the same time. They had to prioritize. They had their kids, potentially putting their careers on hold, and then they charged ahead. I can’t imagine how much effort doing both took — I am in awe of their energy and drive and passion.

But there have to have been tradeoffs. Painful tradeoffs we don’t see. Tradeoffs that kept them in the industries they love, in roles that were moving ever upward. It is a strong woman who can make those tradeoffs in a way that works for everyone involved. These ladies have my respect – not only for their professional accomplishments, but also for the very hard personal challenges they’ve wrestled with.

My soul searching led to a redefinition of what’s important to me and clarified how I wanted to prioritize my life. It also led me rediscover my passion for the creative side of things and film – an entirely new direction. One that will hopefully let me accomplish my professional goals and my personal goals.

And I’ve come to believe this:

Women can have it all. They just can’t have it all at the same time.

Let’s hope it is true!

If you are interested, here’s a link to an interview with Indra Nooyi. She’s a great role model, and I am (very pleasantly) stunned with the honesty of her responses. The personal section starts here.

Link to Indra’s interview via Nilu.