@ Prakriti – Thanks

@ n! – First off, thanks for the tips on the reads. Will do. Also, I do think the Dan Gilbert stuff is very interesting. Especially given that most of my age group is in a panic over fertility (ah, so much there for a follow up post! )

The issue that I think we should all accept is this –
Yes, it was my choice. BUT (and this is critical), it is *also* the choice of over 90% percent of women I know (and probably 90% of all women). So, it is all of their individual choices too. And therefore, it leads to a generalization. I am not saying that it is right, I am just saying that this is the world I see today. More on this at the end, after I address TGFI and Samira

Oh and on the marrying “down” thing – I can see that. Btw, most men in high pressure jobs also want to marry “down”. I had a startlingly honest conversation with a b-school classmate who told me that he wanted to marry “down” because he had enough stress in his work life and when he came home, he just wanted to chill. He felt that my peers and I were much more demanding of an “equal” relationship and brought a lot of career angst to the relationship that he didn’t want to deal with. Yes, it took me aback, but it is also true, yes?

@ TGFI – Yes, totally agree on the conditioning. But I would be loathe to state that is just desi conditioning. I actually think it is global conditioning. Women friends who are American (white, Asian American, African American etc.), Asian, European, all feel the same pressures.

@ Samira – Totally agree with you. Totally. I think the thing is that it is a slow change. And the battles that need to be fought are very personal and each woman needs to decide how much to push. But women are pushing slowly and so, slowly things will change.

So to the ladies who so kindly shared their time and their thoughts — the reason for my generalization is that a vast majority of women I see are making choices where they accept primary responsibility (not being defensive, just thinking out loud). Almost a 100% do so after kids, but a big % before kids too.

Why? Well, as we all agree a big chunk is condition, which just becomes so ingrained. But I also think women are pushing at the envelope in ways that makes sense for them. For me, one small example was three years of commuting where I just did it because I loved my job and I wasn’t ready (at that time) to give it up. [FYI, R couldn't move for various reasons that made sense to both of us]In a prior generation, that would have been crazy. R was supportive, but my parents certainly wanted me to stop after a short while. Why? Because “Aren’t kids a priority? How will you ever have a family if you keep doing this?” And the reality is that at some point, I agreed with them – I mean, how does one have kids in that situation? Sure I could have a kid, and commute with her or leave her behind, but is that the life I wanted? I felt I pushed on some things and accepted “conditioning” on some things. Other women are pushing the envelope in ways that make sense for them – having guys pitch in more, delaying childbirth etc.

I know women who are single in their early to mid thirties. In many of these cases, they say they will uproot themselves when they find someone worthy of marriage. Why? Because it’s been hard to find someone and they’d rather be with someone in 30 years than alone, and if the guy is settled and doesn’t want to/can’t move then they’d rather move than remain single. Is that right or wrong? Neither – it is their choice.

But when most women are making choices where they acquiesce, it becomes a generalization.

Today, I still see women making the tough choices. But, I agree with Samira that the equilibrium is shifting. And it is shifting with the baby steps (no pun intended!) that each woman takes in her own life. None of us can fight all the battles and just push to complete equality in one step I think, because men too are conditioned and society is conditioned. So, as each of us pushes a little, our generation will change a lot.

Btw, please don’t apologize for long comments. This is a complicated topic and this is a great discussion

Her solution? Train yourself up and marry down i.e. marry someone who has less of a high pressure job than you have. (yes, yes, I know the LH made pretty much the same recommendations).

Do read the book fi you haven’t already.

Coming back to having it all, I guess its harder to manage if (a) both the man and woman have a high pressure inflexible job (b) there are kids involved, although I think it might be manageable. I actually think (b) puts more of a constraint than (a).

Coming back to your particular example, i agree with Veena. I think its more your choice than a generalization that women cannot have it all. If you really think about it, you needn’t have relocated, you needn’t buy the milk (or its metaphorical equivalent) and you certainly needn’t feel the need to spend valuable time cleaning the house when you could spend the time at the forefront of the business, law , medical, political (insert other profession) world here.

One last thing if it makes you happier: there’s lots of research in psychology that shows we completely mispredict happiness. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this, you being from Harvard, but Dan Gilbert is the guy for this. Anyway, he cites research to show that people with kids are no happier than those without. My favorite current thought and something a lot of people (especially women) would do well to remember!

sorry for the long comment.

n!

Good luck and Have fun on the way.

Anyways, really like ur conclusion, “Women can have it all. They just can’t have it all at the same time.” but I think it applies to supportive men as well